God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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