I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
