Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
