the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
