I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
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