"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
