We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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