Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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