i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
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i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
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My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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