i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
