I'm going to jail i love you
I can text with my tongue
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
