Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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