Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
