the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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