Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
