I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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