Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Is it because I queefed?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.