theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU