Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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