You made me cry and you don't even care
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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