i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
So squirting runs in the family.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
