We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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