TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
