I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
