I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
