You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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