She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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