I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
