My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
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I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
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We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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