I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
