i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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