My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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