i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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