I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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