i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
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I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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