who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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