Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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