I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
