Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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