Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
