I smell stomach acid.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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