I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
