The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
