Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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