I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
