the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
