Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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