please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
