I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
