Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
