There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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