Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
