I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
