Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
