I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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