I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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