Four minutes until I can fart!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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